Friday, 10 May 2013

random/specific 5.10.2012

Today Neil is 18 months. 18 months ago at this exact time, I was holding my brand newborn baby. Definitely THE most frightening and exciting moments of my entire life. 

This is a rambling telling of a few moments and thoughts on Neil's first 18 months. you are forewarned of mommy blogging. RED ALERT! ;)

He was so fragile and only wanted to be held. (love.) I was dying to let him just sleep on me all of the time. I was so lucky to have such an encouraging nurse who showed me how to bundle him in close with pillows underneath both of my arms so I was propped up enough that he could sleep on my chest. I fell into such a deep sleep. As did he. At four a.m. a nurse came in to take him for his first bath. Of course I went along. 

After this rather traumatizing experience, he was in and out of sleep and eating lots in those wee hours of his life. He had a seriously amazing array of visitors who were just DYING to meet him. You see, I was extremely excited for this pregnancy. I photographed my stomach every week religiously and loved. loved. loved. my belly and the small kid within. Neil was the first grand child for both of my parents. This little one was welcomed into the world by a golden group of family and friends who were so excited to add another little member to the team. 

One of the many stories was about how my sister RACED from her vet school rotation and met him just a few hours after he was born. She wanted to be there so badly! It was so wild to see my child in her arms. This was one of those first 'uhhh I am an adult or something now?' moments. 

There are certain, quite specific things that remind me of that day. Seeing the blanket in the photo above strewn about the house sends me back to the first moment I tucked it in and around his tiny little curled up body. 

The crisp fall air in November this year was also very familiar. As I loaded Neil into the car this past autumn, I would sometimes step outside and have a flashback of walking to the car before my induction on that dimly lit morning.

(pretty freaking overjoyed to get this almost 42 week old baby OUT)

The last most significant reminder is any feeling of nervousness I experience when I watch Neil crawl, stumble, wobble and come crashing down. I am ALWAYS reminded of the overwhelming anxiety and worry I felt when I was waiting to hear if he was okay and healthy. From the moment he was not physically attached to me, the raging love and protectiveness factor pretty much skyrocketed. 

My incredible mother once shared this quotation with me:

This has always MAJORLY stuck with me. I worry for him, but I also want to give him the tools to be the most independent  happy and successful individual that he can be. 

With that, there are many crossroads. Moments where your need to protect them sometimes has to take a backseat to the healthy exploration of this crazy world we live in. It is so hard sometimes. You want to hold them the whole way down the slide. Constantly hover over their head while they learn to walk and the list goes on and on. 

Letting Neil go and try things has been my biggest struggle. With my little heart running around and banging into things, I am worried it is going to shatter. BUT, when that little heart goes and successfully goes down the slide on his own without you there to catch him, it swells up into the size of 10 hearts bursting with insane love for this little thing that all of a sudden gets what it is to be successful at something. 

In this last 18 months, I feel like he and I may be on a similar level for how much we have learned about each other and what matters. While he continues on his outward journey to begin to understand the world around him, I have taken a more inward route and have somehow figured out what it is to be more patient, accepting and ready for change. 

He has made our lives about infinity to blinfinity times richer. But really this is only the beginning of the ups and downs and billion more heart tugging scenes that will occur. Everything from now until forever will harken back to these small years. Those first baby breaths and steps and cuddles I pray stay ingrained in this brain of mine. And to quote the great Mariah Carey

'cuz you'll always be my baby' 

Love you sweet face.

on to bigger things little one.


  1. awwwwwww you are still my heart and now i share your love of your little heart--LOVE YOU BOTH SO MUCH!!!!!

  2. I cried!!! Love this!!! And you!!